You only have 18 years is the third in a series of parent tips. This project began by the request from parents for advice and information to help deal with some difficult behavior. Those children who were not in the Dojo seem to benefit as well as their member siblings from the positive information and structure the Dojo provides. Part 1, Being a Parent is NOT Easy and Part 2, Progress Requires Work can be found by clicking the links or searching for Melissa Covington on the website.
18 Seems So Far Away
18 years only seems like a long time until a life depends on it. When your child is born, 18 years in the future seems so far away. Most parents don’t even think about the day the child is to leave until later in their life. My husband and I are very different parents. We started telling our boys at age 8 that you have 10 years left to live at home and if you aren’t in college or some kind of further education, you have 6 months after the day you graduate before you have to move out. We were very serious when we said it. I remember the looks on their faces when we explained what that meant. Paying for and doing everything potentially alone. We have conversations often about responsibility and what it takes to be a strong independent man so that when they do move out, there are fewer surprises.
Some people think this is drastic. I disagree. Kids these days are used to someone taking care of them. They don’t learn to cook, or clean. No sewing, learning how to manage money or health and wellness. They don’t learn to cope with stress or figure things out for themselves. Kids sit back and wait until mom or dad does it for them or they begrudgingly do it once threatened with punishment. I remind my boys that I’m teaching them skills because I’m not going to live forever and sometimes no one is there to help.
Tough love has the word tough in it for a reason. It is hard watching the person you love struggle to do something. It really must be done and is critical for the success of the child as they grow into adulthood and have their own family. They develop their own place in the world.
Life is not Fair
We often say at the dojo, “Life is hard and it’s not fair.” If it were fair, there would be no reason to train in martial arts because no one would be a victim. There would be no need to learn how to protect themself. To target and harm someone defenseless is not fair. It is not fair that a baby gazelle gets hunted by the lion the moment it is born. Nature knows the world is unfair and made those animals and others like it, able to run within minutes or hours after birth. They know the danger and know to run and try to get away. They know it is best to hide and are born with camouflage to blend in. Human children are born completely defenseless and unable to do anything for themselves. Without a caregiver, the child will die. It is not fair, but it is reality.
You have 18 years to parent and teach your children what they need to survive in the world before they leave and go on their own. Only 18 years. That is not long considering how long someone can be an adult. And to be honest, if you don’t develop a proper relationship with them early, the 18 years shrinks drastically. You will be the last person they will talk to for advice. If at all. They will withdraw from you and possibly seek counsel from others who don’t have their best interest at heart.
So, Now What?
So, what do you do now? Well, every day is a new day. Teach them something new. Make something their responsibility and then hold them accountable to do it. Make sure everything is not fun and entertaining. Why? Everything is not always fun. Children must learn to be bored. As adults, we don’t always have money for entertainment and that is also ok. It is best that kids are exposed in balance, so they learn to cope. Enabling is the worst love because it doesn’t help you or the person you are enabling. So if this is you, stop.
Where do you start? Here is a chart that can help:
The above chart contains a link for you to see the source of the chart. Also, here is a link to the video by Super Nanny, Jo Frost, “How to Get Your Kids to Do Chores!”.
Thank you for your time and attention. See you in the Dojo!
Melissa Covington
Primary Beginners’ Instructor
Kentuckiana Shotokan Karate Do