Ladies. I might ruffle a few feathers with this one but please, hear me out and read this blog in its entirety before you shut down and stop reading. It is my opinion that most parents are disappointed with the interactions with their children. The child’s lack of ability to listen and follow instructions, the child’s inability to conduct themselves in a manner that shows good training, and the child’s inability to be agreeable when requested or required is frustrating and problem causing.
- How many times have you asked your child to do something, and they ignore you?
- How many times have you argued for them to behave in a certain way, and they just refuse to do it?
- How many times have you been embarrassed because they said or did something that caused others to view you negatively?
The programming
Where do they get that from? What makes a child uncooperative and unwilling to do what you know is best for them? Well, I will say we program those actions in them. Now, I can hear all moms say: I didn’t teach them that! I’m the one fighting with them all the time and making them do what they are supposed to do! It is Dad who is not doing his part!
As a female martial artist who is married with two male children, I have seen both sides. Due to the structure and requirements of martial arts training, I can’t have out-of-control children because I have taught them how to fight and fight well. An unbalanced child who can’t manage their emotions is dangerous not only to themselves but to others as well. Forcing my children to do the things that they should do (brushing their teeth, cleaning, doing their schoolwork, and not talking back) is the hallmark of my life. I began really looking at all the arguments, punishments, and behavior modifications implemented over my children’s lives and wondered,
Why do I still need to argue with them to get things done?
Don’t they know by now what they need to do?!? The answer is No. No, they don’t. You/We tend to do it all for them. How are they supposed to know if we do it for them?!
- How many times have you avoided an argument with your children because it was a long day, and you didn’t feel like arguing with them?
- How many times did you make a completely separate meal because your children refused to eat what you made? The number of times you said, they have to eat something, so you spend extra money on bad food so that they eat?
- How many times did you say, it is easier for me to just do it than to take the time to explain it and then go back and make sure it is done? Thinking, it saves time, effort and energy.
- How many times did you let your children wreck your house and walk behind them angrily later cleaning up and cursing under your breath or just decide that you will never get ahead of it and just let it all go?
- How many times did you let your kid sleep in your bed because listening to their crying about sleeping in their own bed is too much and you just can’t take it?
Or, the more terrible scenario, invite your child into your bed because you don’t want to sleep close to your spouse…
Have I created a monster?
You have created the monster that you are dealing with regarding your children. Every time you don’t make them do, every time you don’t spend the time, every time you placate for peace causes you more headaches down the road. They won’t learn and don’t learn if you don’t teach them. They won’t keep making the changes if you don’t make them.
If you bribe them to behave when they go into the store, they will expect to be bribed everywhere they go. If you don’t give in to the blackmail, they will make the biggest scene ever to get their way, ultimately resulting in you bribing them anyway so that you don’t get the stares from the passersby. Remember, you started the cycle.
Every time you solve a problem without having them attempt to solve it first, they learn to wait on you. Everything that is a little hard for them becomes your problem. Do you intend to work the hard parts of their jobs or marriages when things need more effort and energy to figure out and resolve? Have you somehow figured out how to live forever?
Is this my self-worth? Have I failed?
I see females gain their self-worth from helping their children. Somehow, they feel that if their kids cry, they have failed as a mother. This causes them to bend over backward, getting no sleep, having no breaks, on the verge of a nervous breakdown, slowly and silently resenting and hating their kids, husbands and everyone around them because someone always wants something that only you can or will do. You are living the meme of not being able to go to the bathroom without all three kids, 2 dogs, and 1 cat in there watching you and the husband yelling “Honey” from downstairs.
With the number of frustrated females that I speak to often regarding their children, I wonder why do
we keep doing this to ourselves? If we taught, held accountable and put in structure for our families to
thrive, they will do just that: Thrive. But, in order for us to feel important and loved in our own minds, we over
do, over schedule and under expect anyone to do anything except ourselves.
Why? Why do we do this to ourselves?
Why do we create these prisons? They seem inescapable until our children move out and by that point, our marriages are irreparable because so much distance and resentment has formed in all the years of “being busy with kids”. We don’t know how to function without children because they have been the source of our existence for so long that we don’t know what it is like without them being there. We’ve forgotten that we married our spouse because at one point we loved them and now no longer connect to who they are. It is as if two strangers are living in the same house and then wonder why divorce is so prevalent.
We are causing our own misery. We are causing our own misery. We are causing our own misery.
Now that we have had a chance to reflect on some of the things connected to our own lives that fit into this category, we must decide if and what we are doing to do about it. Will you decide to be hardheaded and remain on a slow and steady path of destruction for your family and yourself OR pivot to a new path that is much better for everyone? Hmm.. Something to really think about.
In part two, I will share the changes I have made. Please feel free to add to the discussion.
Melissa Covington