Ladies, I might ruffle a few feathers with this one but please, hear me out and read this blog in its entirety before you shut down and stop reading. It is my opinion that most parents are disappointed with the interactions with their children. The child’s lack of ability to listen and follow instructions, the child’s inability to conduct themselves in a manner that shows good training, and the child’s inability to be agreeable when requested or required is frustrating and problem causing.
How many times have you asked your child to do something, and they ignore you?
How many times have you argued for them to behave in a certain way, and they just refuse to do it?
How many times have you been embarrassed because they said or did something that caused others to
view you negatively?
Where do they get that from? What makes a child uncooperative and unwilling to do what you know is best for them? Well, I can say we program those actions in them. Now, I can hear all moms say: I didn’t teach them that! I’m the one fighting with them all the time and making them do what they are
supposed to do! It is Dad who is not doing his part!
As a female martial artist who is married with two male children, I have seen both sides. Due to the structure and requirements of martial arts training, I can’t have out-of-control children because I have taught them how to fight and fight well. An unbalanced child who can’t manage their emotions is dangerous not only to themselves but to others as well. Forcing my children to do the things that they should do (brushing their teeth, cleaning, doing their schoolwork, and not talking back) is the hallmark of my life. I began really looking at all the arguments, punishments, and behavior modifications implemented over my children’s lives and wondered, why do I still need to argue with them to get things done? Don’t they know by now what they need to do?!?
The answer is no. No, they don’t.
You/we tend to do it all for them. How many times have you avoided an argument with your children because it was a long day, and you didn’t feel like arguing with them? How many times did you make a completely separate meal because your children refused to eat what you made? The number of times you said, they have to eat something, so you spend extra money on bad food so that they eat? How many times did you say, it is easier for me to just do it than to take the time to explain it and then go back and make sure it is done… Thinking, it saves time, effort and energy. How many times did you let your children wreck your house and walk behind them angrily later cleaning up and cursing under your breath or just decide that you will never get ahead of it and just let it all go? How many times did you let your kid sleep in your bed because listening to their crying about sleeping in their own bed is too much and you just can’t take it? Or, the more terrible scenario, invite your child into your bed because you don’t want to sleep close to your spouse…
You have created the monster that you are dealing with regarding your children. Every time you don’t make them do, every time you don’t spend the time, every time you placate for peace causes you more headaches down the road. They won’t learn and don’t learn if you don’t teach them and won’t keep making the changes if you don’t make them. If you bribe them to behave when they go into the store, they will expect to be bribed everywhere they go. If you don’t give in to the blackmail, they will make the biggest scene ever to get their way, ultimately resulting in you bribing them anyway so that you don’t get the stares from the passersby.
Every time you solve a problem without having them attempt to solve it first, they learn to wait on you. Everything that is a little hard becomes your problem. Do you intend to work the hard parts of their jobs or marriages when things need more effort and energy to figure out and resolve? Have you somehow figured out how to live forever?
I see females gain their worth from helping their children. Somehow, they feel that if their kids cry, they have failed as a mother, so they bend over backward getting no sleep, having no breaks, on the verge of a nervous breakdown, slowly and silently resenting and hating their kids, husbands and everyone around them because someone always wants something that only you can or will do. The meme of not being able to go to the bathroom without all three kids, 2 dogs, and 1 cat in there watching you and the husband yelling “Honey” from downstairs.
With the number of frustrated females that I speak to often regarding their children, I wonder why do we keep doing this to ourselves. If we taught, held accountable and put in structure for our families to thrive, they will do just that. But, in order for us to feel important and loved in our own minds, we over do, over schedule and under expect anyone to do anything but us.
Why? Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we create prisons that seem inescapable until our children move out? By that point, our marriages are irreparable because so much distance and resentment has formed in all the years of “being busy with kids”. We don’t know how to function without children because they have been the source of our existence for so long that we don’t know what it is like without them being there. We’ve forgotten that we married our spouse because at one point we loved them and now no longer connect to who they are. It is as if two strangers are living in the same house and then wonder why divorce is so prevalent.
We are causing our own misery.
We are causing our own misery. We are causing our own misery. Now that we have had a chance to reflect on all things connected to our own lives that fit into this category, we must decide if and what we are doing to do about it. Will you decide to be hardheaded and remain on a slow and steady path of destruction for your family and yourself or pivot to a new path that is much better for everyone? Hmm.. Something to really think about.
For those who want something different, here are the changes I have made:
- Stop arguing with your kids. It doesn’t make them respect you more when you argue with them and it only feeds into negative attention. It will cause them to act out so you give them attention even if that is yelling at them and creates this negative spiral that will cause you to dislike your children. Learn to tell the difference between when your child is asking questions to better understand and when they are purposely being defiant.
- Set a schedule. Is your family always running around like chickens with their heads cut off because you are always late, can’t find anything needed to leave the house and everyone is mad before they go anywhere? If you set a schedule, you can set aside time to take care of the necessary and needed things that keep a household operating smoothly.
- Take time to teach your children new things and then set time for them to practice those activities. If you know it takes Johnny 30 minutes to tie his shoes in the morning, set aside 30 minutes for him to work on tying without the added pressure of we have to leave right NOOOOOOOWWWWWW! He will not learn if he doesn’t practice. And if you do it for him, he will just be more resistant to working on it at all because it is easier for you to do it.
- Make your kids do hard things. Have them learn a new skill, cook, clean, learn a new language, instrument, sport, quick recall, or something that requires them to do work regularly. We wonder why younger generations are lazy and are so thin-skinned. Well, they are the way they are because someone let them get that way. Make them do hard things so when hard things come at the adult stage (which they will come and come hard at times), they will be equipped to
tackle the problem vs. dealing with a daily nervous breakdown. - Schedule fun time with your family. Game day, play in the park, play video games with them or their favorite board game. It helps you and them both relax and have fun without the stress of all the other parts of daily life. It also helps them to remember that you can be fun, and I promise, your kids would love to play with you.
- Make a regular date lunch, date night, and go away for your anniversaries with your spouse. When the stress of life is around and the kids are screaming and work is crazy, you tend to forget that you are not alone. It is vitally important that you spend time with your spouse so you can reconnect. My husband and I watch shows together to spend time. Your get away trips don’t have to be expensive. We go camping and it is cheap, relaxing, and good mental reset time
with the person you love. - Learn to let some things go. We as females, never forget anything and we relive it over and over when we explain what happened to someone else. Something weeks ago, resolved will have you all fired up again because you just got the time to catch up with your girlfriend and tell her all about it and your spouse gets blindsided because you are mad and they have no idea why.
- Find self-time. Even if it is 30 minutes of something you want to do. Read, nap, watch a show, call a friend. Don’t put yourself on the back burner all the time. An empty pot provides no nourishment. Put the oxygen mask on yourself first before you put in on others. You can’t give what you don’t have.
Implementing these few steps will greatly help with family problems. It won’t solve everything, but every little bit of pressure release helps everyone to function better. Remember, the more you do, the less they all do. Require the family to do more to relieve the burden. Your burden. Don’t be a slave to your own mind and in your own house. Even if it is baby steps, work towards what you really want, more time and freedom to love.
Thank you for your time.
Melissa Covington
Other Thoughts by Melissa:
You only have 18 years
The Next Generation
Being a Parent is NOT Easy