The only difference between stumbling blocks and stepping stones is the way you use them.
~American Proverb
A few years ago, I was a volunteer at a local animal shelter. There was one dog there that I’ll never forget. Mica was a gorgeous black lab mix who lived in a kennel with a giant red sticker on the door. She was a dog who would attack.
The only volunteer who was allowed to work with her was a man named Bruce. Bruce was a dog whisperer, and as I made my rounds with the other dogs, I would often see him sitting with Mica at the back of her kennel, in a private, whispered conversation.
Mica obviously had some terrible things in her history. I could relate. I was in a relationship with a narcissist-psychopath for three years, and when I came out of that relationship in 2018, I was destroyed. I was a lot like Mica, fearful and alone, barking and snarling, living in the shadows to protect myself.
Defenses keep out the bad AND the good
But during my time at the shelter, I would often observe Mica, and she gifted me with an important lesson: All my defense mechanisms were not only keeping out the bad stuff, they were also keeping out the good stuff. The saddest thing about Mica was that her fear and distrust kept her from all the fun and joy in shelter life. While the other dogs enjoyed playtime with volunteers, snacks and treats, and walks out on the wooded grounds, she lived behind the gate, lunging and snarling at anyone who walked past. Mica’s fear and distrust kept her bound to a small life within the confines of her kennel, connected only to one person.
Trauma can happen to any of us. Life isn’t always easy. Maybe there’s a period of unemployment. Or a loved one dies. Or there’s a toxic relationship (or three). Addiction. Being bullied until we lose our sense of self. An abusive parent. Events and experiences come along and wound us, and it becomes easy to shut down our inner light and step into a shadow life of fear. A life where on some level, we lunge and snarl at everything out there because we’re trying to protect ourselves. But this shuts out the good stuff too.
Staying Stuck
Mica didn’t have a choice about how to respond to trauma, but we do. We can either use our mistakes and our tough breaks as a way to stay stuck or we can use our missteps as stepping stones. If you’ve been stuck in the kennel, if you’ve been barking and snarling at everything, if you’ve been shutting out the good stuff, maybe it’s time to begin to gently disentangle the trauma knots and reclaim your birthright of joy and a life of hope.
By Sharon Lynn
Kosho School of Karate
Cincinnati, OH